HG: "If you had that, you'd know it!
Because writing is cheap therapy… Enjoy the novel
Finding out we were pregnant with our first child was an unforgettable moment. There was elation, surprise, anticipation, and a little bit of nerves. I’d always been around kids and growing families, so I felt like I had a vague idea of what to expect. I assumed I’d have cravings, have to pee all the time, get emotional, and maybe have a little morning sickness.
We got to experience all the joys of telling our friends and family the great news. These conversations always seemed to include questions like, “how are you feeling?” I was feeling fantastic! I had always wanted to be a mother and this was a dream come true.
Around week 8, the nausea hit and things started to get harder. I was working and going to school, and my husband was a busy family practice resident at the hospital. My everyday activities became more and more difficult as I grappled with the constant feelings of nausea and fatigue. Still, I was in high spirits and carried on as best I could.
By the time I had my first OB appointment, I had already lost 10 lbs from the nausea and vomiting (about 8% of my pre-pregnancy body weight). At that appointment, I was told a little nausea and vomiting was completely normal and not to worry.
A month later, I was into the second trimester. I’d expected the pregnancy fairies to wave a magic wand and make all the unpleasantness go away. That’s what everyone kept saying would happen! However, weeks 12, 13 and 14 ticked by and I was still struggling every day with the persistent nausea and vomiting. It was so bad, I knew where every trash can was on the side of the road along my entire commute to work in case I had to pull over. Eventually, I began to work from home as often as physically possible just to be closer to my own toilet. I was also taking 2-3 ondansetron pills every day.
Was this normal?
Early on, I had downloaded a pregnancy tracker app. I enjoyed learning about the baby’s development and about my changing body. Every day, there was a new article with new things to learn. I soaked up every word.
One day, the app led me to an article about a condition called, “Hyperemesis Gravidarum.” It talked about extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. It outlined several other symptoms and in my mind, I was going, “check, check, check” as I read through the list. The mouth sweats, the weight loss, the racing heart, the exhaustion, the CONSTANT nausea… Do I have this?! I wondered.
I brought it up at my next OB appointment.
“I’m still throwing up a lot. Do you think I might have hyperemesis gravidarum?”
Without a second thought, the doctor smiled and dismissed the question with a shake of his head. “Oh trust me, if you had that, you’d know it!”
Around week 13, we took a trip with my husband’s family to Florida. We were able to do one day at Disney, but I missed all our other excursions because I couldn’t stop throwing up.
To be honest, I really didn’t know any better. I thought, “Wow, those poor girls!” I carried on with the rest of the pregnancy. I brought up the fact that I was still nauseated and still vomiting at every single OB appointment. As I got to 8, and then 9 months, when I’d bring up the sickness, the nurse would furrow her brow and say, “Huh, that’s weird. But don’t worry, a little sickness is totally normal.”
The day our son was born was one of the happiest days of my life. There were so many layers to the joy I felt that day, not the least of which was that I instantaneously felt better once the baby and the placenta were delivered. Words simply cannot describe what it felt like to have that burden finally removed and to finally melt into baby bliss.
Best day ever!!!
Brain Damage!
Something strange happened when our son was delivered. I went through some strange form of brain damage. We hadn’t even transitioned from the delivery room to our hospital room before I was telling my husband, “We’ve got to do that again!!!”
Fast forward to a year later, we were expecting our second child. This time, the sickness set in around 6 weeks. When it did, and I realized the sickness the first time around hadn’t been a fluke, my blood ran cold.
“Wait a minute, why was I wanting to rush back into this?! Wasn’t throwing up into a paper bag at a table in the middle of a crowded McDonald’s restaurant humiliating enough? How many times did I throw up in the car on our way down to Salt Lake to visit family? Didn’t we have to cancel our anniversary trip halfway into the drive to California because I was too sick to endure another mile?” ...Too late!
And now I was going to have to go through it with a toddler in tow!
Those thoughts were overwhelming, but as we pushed forward, I started to see the blessings that made it all doable. I was no longer working, and our son was still religiously napping twice a day. Bless his little heart. I was able to get a lot more rest than the first time around, and it seemed to help somewhat. I was still throwing up every day, and I was still nauseated ALL THE TIME. But when I’d throw up, I often had little arms wrapped around my legs, and a little voice going “Blagh!” into the toilet and then laughing hysterically. He wasn’t terribly sympathetic, but he was absolutely adorable and I was absolutely relieved he seemed to be unaffected by mommy’s sudden change in wellbeing.
My OB appointments during that pregnancy were the same as during the first. Any complaints of nausea and vomiting were dismissed with, “Oh yeah, that’s totally normal.” So I tried to dismiss them too. Maybe I was just being a whiner. I didn’t want anything to do with being a whiner.
Something happened in the science world between pregnancies 1 and 2 that resulted in ondansetron being blacklisted as potentially harmful to the baby. I wasn’t able to take it like I was during my first pregnancy and it was so hard!! I’d tried every single nausea and vomiting remedy the internet could show me the first time around, but ondansetron was the only thing that could make the vomiting bearable. Now that I couldn’t take it, I tried every other medicine, remedy and cure all over again, including a new medicine called Diclegis. Nothing even touched the sickness. The only resource I was left with was the will to endure… and some leftover ondansetron pills from 2014 that I only took when I was absolutely desperate.
Thankfully, that time around, week 24 ended up being a turning point. At 24 weeks pregnant with our second, I stopped throwing up every day. I was still nauseated, but from that point forward, I could go about a week without actually vomiting. One time I think I even went 2 weeks! I was delighted. I bragged to all our friends and family that this was worlds better than the first time around.
When our daughter was finally delivered (by her daddy that time!), the same immediate relief washed over me and I basked in the feeling of not being nauseated for the first time in 9 months.
Also the best day ever!!!
Round 3
The brain damage took a little longer to set in after that second pregnancy. I was hopeful that if #2 was better than #1, there was reason to expect that #3 would be even better than #2. If that were the case, I could definitely handle another pregnancy.
I woke up at 4 am in late November 2017 to catch a flight to Hawaii with my husband, parents, and a couple family friends. I knew what I was feeling within 5 minutes of being awake. The weird thing was that I hadn’t even missed my period yet!
A couple days into the trip, a positive pregnancy test left us thrilled and excited ...and also a little terrified.
The day we got home, I started vomiting.
That third pregnancy was the worst I’d ever experienced. We’d moved and I had a new OB. When he dismissed my symptoms like the first OB and showed up an hour and a half to two hours late for every single appointment, I decided it was time to take better charge of my healthcare. I found a female provider who listened to me and at least tried to sympathize with me when I brought up my complaints.
I vomited to the point of delirium. There were two specific episodes that each lasted about 3 days where I couldn’t even lift my head to vomit. I was so sick and so dehydrated. But I’d been told, “if you had [hyperemesis], you’d know it!” What purgatory could those poor girls be going through? If this wasn’t hyperemesis, I didn’t want to think what “worse than this” could look like.
I carried on, knowing it wasn’t “that bad.” I did have to go in to the instacare for fluids during one of the two particularly bad, prolonged episodes. I’d gone a couple days without being able to keep any food or liquids down, and I was still second guessing whether I really needed to do something so drastic as seek medical attention. I chalked it up to a stomach bug or something.
I constantly gagged and dry heaved. I vomited. I carried on. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I also got shingles during that pregnancy, and it felt like pouring lemon juice in an open wound. My tolerance for pain and discomfort was completely maxed out.
When that pregnancy finally ended and I was handed our beautiful, healthy, NINE POUND baby boy, it was all worth it.
But I was also traumatized.
I looked at pregnant women with nothing but sympathy and glowing admiration. They’re warriors. They’re all, every single one of them, queens and warriors. I’d been through three “normal” pregnancies and it had just about killed me.
And yet, something inside of me kept telling me we weren’t done…
He was worth every minute
*Fun, not so fun, tidbit*
Soon after delivering our third child, I was experiencing extreme, excruciating abdominal pain. I’d turn on a TV show for the older two kids, and lie in the fetal position, shaking and sweating in pain, until it finally subsided. This went on for weeks. I was avoiding calling my doctor’s office because I couldn’t bear the thought of being dismissed and being told it was nothing. When I finally did get help, we found I was experiencing ovarian torsion. Look it up. It was awful. They sent me home and said if I started experiencing extreme pain, to go to the ER.
First thing the next morning, I walked myself into the ER waiting room. I sat down at the check in desk and the receptionist asked me what appeared to be the problem.
“I’m experiencing ovarian torsion.”
She rolled her eyes at me. (She rolled her eyes!!) “Honey, if you were experiencing ovarian torsion, you wouldn’t be sitting up, talking to me right now.”
They did humor me and took me back to triage where I waited for an ultrasound to see what might be the problem.
“Goodness sakes! You’ve got ovarian torsion! There’s barely any blood flow. I bet that really hurts!”
Thank you. Can someone help me now, please?
I had emergency surgery later that day.
Our baby was 3 months old.
When mommies get sick, and sometimes they do, how do things change for me and for you?
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When mommies get sick, and sometimes they do, how do things change for me and for you? 〰️
“When Mommies Get Sick”
written and illustrated by Jayne Ann Osborne
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